Bigger than pain

Pain, sorrow, sadness, profound bitterness, hopelessness, confusion, stress, anger, emptiness,relief that is what I can describe, the rest is beyond words. As a writer, the one thing I have at my disposal is my ability to use words to describe a situation. As a writer I always use words to express myself or describe a situation but truly speaking  I am speechless. Writing this blog is one of the most painful exercises I can complete right now because I am not in the mood to write. I feel like writting is a waste of time at this very moment yet it is the only way for me to vent and the best way or outlet to let my frustration and anger out. I find that as soon as I have the thought to write, words come faster and the edge is overwhelming that I find myself writing even when I feel my body telling me something else. 

I remember looking at my phone and getting that sinking feeling that tells you something is wrong just by watching my fathers number on my cellphone screen. Funny how we know how iwe we love well enough, my dad does not usually call me, it’s not because he does not make the effort, far from it. Africa is literately another World away from North America and because of that naturaly we will not talk as much as I would have loved to. We have grown acustomed to know and use text and whatsapp messengers as it is more economic fo my dad. My dad breaking protocol was a sign that something was wrong, it was really crushing what followed next, he delivered very bad news. No matter how much you can brace yourself for bad news but when its delivered, there is no comfort in the moment, pain is raw and heavy. I now get it, when my grand father passed away my dad said that death was taxing, I did not get what he meant until now, death is taxing.

She was only 30yrs young, children should bury their parents not parents burying their kids. I know its not law neither is it written anywhere but its just wrong for parents to bury their kids. I honestly cannot imagine how my parents  feel but as for me, the death of my sister was so overwhelming , I had to hold  on to my seat a little as I became breatheless. I will never hear her voice in person again, its done, she is forever a memory that will live with me for as long as I live. There goes the reason for frustration and anger, when a life has ended, that is it. If this is obvious to you I am really not bothered right now, I have a heavy heart and I will speak my mind as much as I can. 

Tonight I make a choice to be bigger than my pain, I make my choice to give 100% of my time to the people I have now and not live in the past. Life goes on, yes it does. I know I am seeming all over the place but again I offer no apologies, it’s what I feel and it is right because it’s truly what I feel and want to say. The past will always be that, I can live as if the past is ready to be rewritten for my big dramatic appearance on a show I have not followed much or I can live this moment and enjoy it. It’s a no brainer for me to answer that question so I will let it go. Life is not about the past, it is not about the future because both you cannot control life, life is about Christ the risen one. 

I am bigger than my pain, I make the choice to love my future, embrace my present and enjoy everything I do. Guilt will not get a hold of me, I will not wonder what I could have done better or said better to a loved one who is gone but I will rejoice in the moments we have and look forward to a better tomorrow for those living now. If I am to wake up tomorrow I will deliberately make it a priority to tell my family I love them, my friends I appreciate the and my enemies to eat dust, well maybe not that harsh but to eat whatever makes them feel warm and fuzzy 

If this seemed like the most messy blog I have ever written well good for me. I deserve to write a whole lot of nothing just so I can get rid of my pain. I really did not bother to spell check, recheck and correct anything, thank you for sharing in my moment. 

Comments
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